Madhatter's Watch
by Hikari Nanase
Summary: Madhatter's watch is clunked out and creates a rippled effect throughout the three worlds. Want to see Hiei in a chicken suit? Well, you've come to the right fic!


"Madhatter's Watch" Chapter 1 9/17/02 By: Hikari E-mail: Hikari_Nanase@yyhmail.com Notes: All major disclaimers apply. All. To everything. You'll see why. Yes, I love both Alice in Wonderland and Through the Looking Glass. Lewis Carroll has been my favorite since I was four. I'm that twisted. One last thing, Lewis writes with a British accent- clearly seen when he writes the word 'can't'. 'Can't' is written as 'ca'n't' emphasizing the phonetics of the 'n' sound. I love British! **Warning: Traces of Humorous Shounen Ai; not to be taken seriously**  
  
~*~*~*~  
  
He grinned wickedly as he poured yet another pot of lemon kissed tea into his empty black shoe.  
  
"Ah, there's nothing like British brew with a hint of socky residue!" Bringing the shoe to his lips, his smirk suddenly elongated into a smile. 'Oh! That rhymes! Quite brilliant, that I am, if I may think so myself!' He considered this gleefully while spreading bread over his butter.  
  
It was an awfully nice day today. This morning it was raining cats and dogs, but the storm of flying pets finally wound down at around ten. He did encounter some problems with puppies getting stuck in his freshly sooted chimney, but other than that everything was super peachy. Peaches and cream in fact, but the Madhatter wasn't too found of that combination. Too plain. More like peaches and sardines. Yup. That's it. Life was that good. Like peaches and sardines. with onions. Red onions.  
  
Sighing, Madhatter tipped his hat down and leaned against his chair. This chair, believe it or not, was made of an old collection of dried-up, not to mention, pre-chewed bubblegum he found last winter. 'The colors! The colors!' Hatter had laughed. His old friend, March Hare, was none-too impressed.  
  
'I had a collection of coughed hairballs once. I have made it into a lovely summer coat- extra thick for especially sweltering days!' March Hare had scoffed, vibrating nose and whiskers high in the air. 'All from our dear friend, Ches! Poor cat. Purple and pink fur certainly does not suit his eyes!'  
  
Madhatter snorted at this thought. Leave it to Hare to ruin his pride. Oh well. He pulled back his arms and sighed again. He'd get back at that sorry excuse of an Easter bunny. Hare's pranks sucked, damn it. Painting all the eggs white. How lame.  
  
The peacefulness of the sunny afternoon, which in Wonderland constituted of an eye-glaring sky in a hue of plaid, was unexpectedly broken as good old White Rabbit came bounding into his Victorian courtyard. Madhatter peered at the coffee-charged rabbit, and smiled fondly. His orange- ginger orange- eye glinted as he noted that Whitey was missing something from his vest pocket.  
  
"Mr. Hatter! Dear friend, Mr. Hatter! I am late again, I am afraid! And this time my situation is so much worse, you see, as I have lost my precious golden watch!"  
  
Hatter ignored as Whitey careened into a garden gnome- the size of a decorational Christmas Santa. The kind you put on your roof and mess-up flight patterns for the LAX with. Dusting, well, dust from his clothes and puffing his cottontail, White Rabbit stood and hurriedly excused himself for his clumsiness. Madhatter genially waved it off with a delicately gloved hand, and added salt to his tea. in his shoe.  
  
"Stress! Stress! Good Rabbit." He said in soothing tones- wrinkling his friend's vest because it was too nicely pressed. "I do not believe Jabberwocky is going about his usual pillages today. Why so relaxed my fellow?"  
  
"Relaxed?!" White Rabbit exclaimed in billiard-sized eyeballs, but later stopped himself. You'd think that after six hundred and sixty-six years he'd finally get used to Hatter's careful language. He bit his lip, partially out of his own annoyance, and continued. "Ah! Madhatter, The Queen of Hearts is having another ball! I must be in time to announce!"  
  
"Oh? That pretty hag? Fine. Fine." Hatter dipped his hand into his crystal bowl of chocolates- popping a piece into his mouth. Of course, to his expensive taste, the chocolates had expired probably around the time Wonderland was sealed off from the Makai. How long ago was that? Two? Three centuries? Madhatter loved letting his Ningenkai imported Snickers sit around a few decades. "So," He grinned, pulling a jagged blade of lime hair from his brow, "When is the ball?"  
  
"July 6, 6666, dear sir." The messenger rabbit replied, nose twitching, and pink irises flickering. "You had better not crash it! The last time you and Cheshire had, all the roses were painted with stripes and polka dots!"  
  
Quite true. Stripe and polka dot paint wasn't cheap though. Lucky thing Madhatter invented it.  
  
"Hn. She needs more than just red for her garden! Bloody witch. I am most unsure that she wails 'Off with his head! Off with his head!' just to make more crimson paint!" He pouted as he turned away. "I was never one for Heart-Ass's parties anyhow!"  
  
"Hatter!"  
  
"It's false! You ca'n't deny it! As clear as El Nino! Her ass is the shape of a giant Valentine's candy box!" Huffing, he crossed his arms over his three-piece suit. Everyone had to admit, Hatter was the best when it came to fashion sense. Today he was wearing his favorite electric yellow-green blazer- which flattered his hair, his crisp red dress shirt with eight-inch cuffs, and claret feathered top hat. He had about 666,000,000,000,000,000,000 different kinds of hats. "You're obviously 4, 664 years too late, White! But I take it you would like to return a watch from my collection at no rate."  
  
The other nodded vigorously. Madhatter had a collection for everything and anything. If you needed to borrow something, he was the right person to come to. He assumed.  
  
"Very well, my fellow. Let us retreat to my humble home."  
  
Humble home naturally means 'lavish, ritzy, oh-my-god-I-wish-I-was-you-how the-hell-are-you-so-rich-when-you're-a-nut-job' home. However, Madhatter was truly very modest about his furnishings, and equally generous. Just a few weeks ago he visited Alice in Reikai for her 7,777th un-birthday. He gave her his most prized necklace made of frozen Kokuryhua fire. There was no gem in the world that could match that perfect shade of black-rainbow!  
  
White Rabbit used to be frightened of his friend's home. The kitchen was the worst, in his honest opinion. The refrigerator was racked with jars of sugared eyeballs, pickled tongues, deli liver, millipede pâté, and all sorts of other odds and ends. Granted, Whitey liked Hatter's utensils. He had scissors that could cut through cans. Who needs a regular opener when you can just snip the tin off with one quick move?  
  
There were possibly around a thousand rooms- give or take a few. No joke. When the Walrus and the Carpenter had come over for a spot of tea and crumpets, Walrus took the opportunity to waddle about the corridors. He was never seen again, which didn't bother Madhatter, as he was acutely aware that Walrus was a notorious thief and scoundrel. 'Hn. Serves him wrong.' Hatter whispered, and that was all.  
  
The library was enormous, but most of the books had a bunch of gibberish that only Hatter could read. Every now and then, Rabbit, Cheshire, Hare, and the White Queen would gather around the flower garden and gossip with the dandelions, carnations, and daisies. How come only Hatter could read those books?! Why couldn't they? It's not like the text was in a weird language or anything, the text was literally just not readable! Clever Ches spent six hours trying to translate: 'Mirrors splinter pricked dead ghosts crossing solid clouds.' And to no avail, even in Wonderland the cat couldn't figure it out.  
  
Passing five more rooms filled with Gods' know what, Madhatter locked a door and pushed it ajar. As White Rabbit stepped in, his jaw dropped at seeing the wild collection of coo-coo clocks that ejected springing men wrapped in straightjackets, clock hands that moved in reverse, faces with sixty hands- one for every minute, faces that moved. and talked, smaller pocket watches that hatched from eggs and chirped (ever wondered who invented the original tomogachi? It wasn't the Japanese, that's for sure!), clocks that went tock-tick, tock-tick, one black one that looked like a devil's coffin, one white one that looked an angel's tomb (Rabbit did not dare to think what sprang out of those at the top of the hour), and a few that rang: honks, chimes, gongs, and an 'arooooga!' or two.  
  
"Well, go on! Don't be polite, good White! Choose, lest I choose for you!"  
  
Now that was something Rabbit didn't want his friend to do. Looking around with utmost circumspect, he winced as another clock went off. The alarm was too much for his ears. It sounded like nails going down a chalkboard.  
  
To be more helpful, the other started opening all the cabinets and drawers. A few newly hatched pocket watches jumped out, much to Hatter's dismay, as he had to cram all the ticking fuzz balls back into their place. One nearly got away, but Madhatter was too quick and stepped on its chain, which happened to be the queer creature's tail. The pain of Hatter's heeled foot made the poor watch sound off like a blow horn. Hatter threw it into a cabinet and unlocked it as fast as he could. It would be so terrible if that peep-squeak ticker broke his precious shattered glass collection next door!  
  
"This one." Rabbit said finally, pointing to a pretty gemmed one cased within five inches of glass, chained, and guarded with a, excuse the cliché, 'time bomb'.  
  
"Excellent choice!" Hatter rooted. "The safest watch there is!" He paused. "If you don't set it."  
  
The other's downy ears twitched visibly. "I beg your pardon?"  
  
"Don't set it." His friend repeated, as scary as it might sound, quite seriously. "Merely keep the hands where they are. To tell time, subtract five and a half hours. That is not all. Complicated as that."  
  
Unbeknownst to the two, a rather vengeful, and recently tail-squished pocket watch squeezed out of a minor crack of the cabinet it was so rudely slammed into. It skipped out as soon as it was freed with a slight 'pop' and instantly bit Madhatter's ankle.  
  
"Otherwise, you might affect the- ARGH!!!!" He clutched onto his leg and peeled off the little rascal clinging onto him with a fierce bite. Detaching the disgruntled. thing. The thing attacked yet again by chomping on his hand, making Hatter swing his arm back and set off the time bomb. With a crash and some blissful chaos that Madhatter could not appreciate, Hatter grabbed White Rabbit and pushed him onto the floor with him. "Oh, for bloody hell in England! HIT THE DECK!!!"  
  
KA POW!!!!!  
  
Streamers, sparkles, and renegade balloons hit the two with the force of a crane and ball. New York's Time Square would have been jealous had it been New Year's Eve. As it turned out, White Rabbit was covered in confetti. the size of paper plates, and Madhatter was tossed into one of his Grandfather clocks. the one that was actually his mummified grandfather. Don't ask. It's too scary to think about.  
  
Madhatter stepped out of his grandfather's chest- again, don't ask- and padded the streamers and glitter from his clothes. Peering at his feet, he noted that the pocket watch that Whitey had wanted lay at his feet, and was bursting with springs and bolts.  
  
"Blahst!" He scowled, picking the once delicate, but now bashed object up. "This was a gift from Lucifer, and no less than more!" Slumping onto the carpeted floor and crossing his legs, Hatter pondered. Inspecting the watch, he noted the scratches, dents, and smudges on the pretty little jewels. His brow came together in thought. "Now I do not believe this to be most uninteresting indeed!"  
  
"What is it?" Asked the other, kicking some debris away and crouching next to the odd man.  
  
Ginger eyes moving up, they held White Rabbit in place with their glassy appearance. "This watch, when fiddled with, may initiate the Apocalypse of Jahannam- one of the seven layers of Hell."  
  
"Oh. WHAT?!?!"  
  
Hatter grinned from ear to ear. "Not in Wonderland, of course, but in Ningenkai. However, Ningenkai is just as disconnected to Wonderland as it is not to Makai. How very common! You'd think that at such impact that nothing would have happened!"  
  
~*~*~*~  
  
Kurama sighed as he filled his tin watering can. He loved feeding his flowers in the afternoon. Everyday the redhead carefully calculated his planting regimen. Since plants absorb most of their energy during noon, it was best to water the plants before or after. Today he chose after, since the weekend begged him to sleep-in a little longer. Foxes are known for their napping, after all.  
  
"More please." Something squeaked.  
  
Kurama, however, stopped for a moment and looked around. Thinking he was hearing things, the fox demon shrugged it off.  
  
"Oh, how very rude you are! My friend has politely asked for a spot of water, and you do not respond! Well, I never!"  
  
"I simply ca'n't understand humans. Can you, Lily?"  
  
"Not at all, Gardenia! Not in the least! My mother always did say that men are the worst when it comes to understanding a delicate being's needs!"  
  
"I must agree! It is with no wonder that flowers are double-sexed!"  
  
Freezing, Kurama looked back to discover the pot of flowers he had just tended to were forming a circle in their soil and. holding a conversation?! Rubbing his eyes and shutting them tight, the redhead opened them again to discover that the scenario hadn't changed in the least.  
  
"Ah, men are quite the ignorant creatures indeed!" A blossom bobbed, losing a few pink petals.  
  
"Ohohoho," the Snapdragon twittered. "But my dear Chrysanthemum, you must remember that the female species are the most evil!"  
  
"Well, I ca'n't say I'm not proud of that!"  
  
They laughed.  
  
Staggered and flabbergasted to planet Mars, Kurama drew closer, kneeled, and they all turned to him at once.  
  
"How do you do?" They greeted politely in unison. Ever seen the movie 'Clones of Alacatraz', you know, the one with the triplets with ultra- dilated eyes? Probably not since it's been banned in all three worlds. Well, anyway, the manner by which these flowers inquired was kind of like that. Think, the Power Puff Girls on pot and speaking at the same time.  
  
"ACK!!!" Falling backwards, the tin of water clanged onto the patio and spilled everywhere.  
  
"Oh, poor darling! Are you hurt?" The yellow rose asked, moving forward in its pot. Kurama's collection of Venus flytraps did more than that, however. They hopped in their planters- bam, bam, bam- being careful as to not fracture the hot orange clay that secured their soil. They drew toward the confused fox youkai, bending over his face and baring their needle-like teeth as they spoke:  
  
"Come now, good fellow! Up now! You still have much work to do in the garden!"  
  
"ACK!!!" Kurama scrambled backwards on all fours, stood, and ran inside the house. That wasn't very helpful, as the entire Minnamino household was as crowded as a greenhouse.  
  
A small vase sitting at the kitchen window held a violet that waved one of its glossy green leaves as Kurama came through the sliding door. "Sir! Kind sir! You have not yet watered me today! I would very much like a shower!"  
  
In that same vase, facing the opposite direction, was a white and red- rimmed carnation. Upon hearing Kurama's hasty entry, the flower bent around the violet and spoke her mind. "Please do tell why you bother keeping rubbing plants around. If you dare ask me, I do believe that it is a ridiculous waste of your money!"  
  
The redhead was startlingly bemused. It just felt wrong to be reproached by. a plant. I mean, plants didn't even have legs for crying out loud! Biologically speaking, they didn't even have a cotton- pickin' brain. You can't talk down a person if you don't have a brain! 'Flowers obey me.' He assured himself, pacing about the house as several other greens chattered. 'They obey me! I am not their servant. They are my servants. MINE!'  
  
"Kurama! How good it is to see you! You have taken care of me for so many years! Come, give dear Bonsai a kiss and a snip or two!"  
  
'Flowers do not talk.' He started again. 'Bonsai plants do not talk. Anything without tonsils and a throat cannot talk. Plants, by their species, have roots to take in water and food. Animals and humans have mouths. Plants do not have mouths, let alone tongues, and are therefore ill- equipped of any sort of verbal language.' Kurama stopped. 'Why is this bothering me?'  
  
"Dear me, I presume Mother Shiori will be home very soon. Everyone, please, we must keep quiet."  
  
"Ivy, you are always spoiling our fun!"  
  
"Make good sport, Ivy, as Sunflower suggests. I know a spot of water and a small dish of fertilizer will do just the thing for you! Sir, dear, sir, would you be so kind as to assist my associate?"  
  
Cringing as he gripped his hair tightly with his strained fingers, Kurama headed out the front door and out of the proximities for good. 'Flowers do not talk. Flowers do not talk. I am their master, not their servant. I never was their servant. They are my servants. Youko Kurama is their master, summoner- God even! My pride as a kitsune should not be tarnished by the orders of-'  
  
"Kurama!" Came a muffled cry. "Just how long, my friend, will you keep me in your hair?! I must be allowed to breathe! Do I not have that right, young man? And when was the last time you used that botanical shampoo?! Do you sincerely wish for me to wilt?!'  
  
The fox demon screamed bloody murder as he ripped his copyrighted rose from the depths of his scalp and threw it into a planter just as he was running down the street.  
  
"Oh God, they're rebelling!!! Hiei?! Where are you?! HIEI!?!?!?!"  
  
Five pots of Venus flytraps and a bush or two came hopping to the doorstep. They watched woefully as Kurama zoomed down the street- ripping his hair free of bitchy seeds that demanded to be sewn, watered, and loved.  
  
"Tsk. I always knew sniffing those fertilizers would cause brain damage. Poor lad."  
  
They nodded to flytrap number four's comment and later winced as an oak tree tried to grab Kurama into a suffocating hug. Let's just say the fox demon escaped just in time to save his face from being whipped and scarred. Branches aren't soft and supple like hands or paws. They're like sandpaper with big-ass needles on them.  
  
"AHHHHHH!!!"  
  
They flinched.  
  
"I suppose embraces from cacti are not at all much fun either."  
  
"NO! Don't kiss me! NO!!"  
  
They shrank.  
  
"Nor kisses from sumac, I'm afraid."  
  
~*~*~*~  
  
"Kuwabara?"  
  
"Yeah?"  
  
"You're pencil is moving."  
  
Carrot-top put down his cup of coffee, and ensued reading the newspaper (the comics section, of course). "So?"  
  
"It's really moving, man. It just grew a pair of legs- up wait, now it has a pair of eyes."  
  
"Keh, very funny." The taller snorted as he reached for his pencil to solve part of a word puzzle. As soon as he picked it up, the pencil poked him soundly on the palm- arousing an irritated cry from the delinquent- and scampered across the shiny table of the café. Yusuke watched it, not sure how to feel, while Kuwabara kissed his boo-boo.  
  
Looking up, Kuwabara's eyes widened to match the size of all the saucers of the restaurant, which, oddly enough, felt that they should not only grow legs, but also arms. They followed the highly violated Mr. Pencil out the door in a rampage.  
  
"Okay."  
  
Marching after the dishes were the forks and spoons. The spoons, walked hand-in-hand with the forks. The knives, were. gay? Bi? Who knows, they went with either spoon or fork. Sometimes they even went with one another.  
  
"I am disturbed." Urameshi gulped, eying a knife flirting with a rather feminine fork.  
  
"Me too." His friend agreed, seeing as his newspaper decided to make like a bird and fly away.  
  
Standing from their booth, they walked outside just in time to see a row of maple trees explode into candy canes, lollipops, and king-sized caramel apples. with nuts! They raised their eyebrows, and squirmed as they saw a familiar patch of red hair narrowly escape a stampede of lovesick and/or peeved flowerpots.  
  
Kurama jumped into a sewer system- far from reach.  
  
Looking at one another questioningly, the two made haste to dash up to the manhole their fox demon friend had disappeared into. They were about to descend the ladder the redhead used, when Kurama popped up again. His shoulders were covered with young chirring frogs, his lips were puffy and red from the poison sumac, and he was made a pincushion by a gang of affectionate cacti. Yusuke and Kuwabara would have laughed if things weren't already so weird. The talking plants that had been chasing after the pitiful and recently mutinied fox were now being pursued themselves. A dog walker, with about ten or fifteen mutts, suffered an interesting ride of being dragged and sandpapered down along the asphalt. Mush boy! MUSH!!!  
  
The walker screamed until his tonsils popped as the dogs scampered after the skipping plants and around a sturdy fire hydrant.  
  
"AHHHHHHHHH!! **CLONK**"  
  
Three of the Reikai Tantei fidgeted. Too bad that wasn't the end of it. The unconscious human was later hauled and bonked into a public mailbox.  
  
~*~*~*~  
  
Hiei fell out of his tree- or rather- he slid off it. Now that doesn't make sense. Trees weren't smooth. The irritated little fire demon stood up and rubbed his cute round rump a tad. Just before he hit the ground, he could have sworn that the branch cradling him simply vanished into thin air! Now that doesn't make sense either. Almost nothing, but rock, concrete. and a fire hydrant. was as solid as a tree. Unless he was nuts, everything must have been a dream.  
  
He turned around, and in place of a tree, was a giant lollipop- rainbow swirls and everything. The youkai blinked.  
  
"Hn." He spun on his heel, and crossed his arms. 'As if. A massive lollipop. Huh! And Kuwabara will figure out how to zip his open fly!' His eyebrow began to twitch nervously as his mind began to wonder whether or not the monster-sized candy would still be there if he checked on it again. '.I've been taking too many of Kurama's sedatives.' He thought dully, before looking over his shoulder. To his bafflement, the lollipop was still there. It was only then did Hiei notice that the center of the lollipop read in cherry cursive: 'eat me'.  
  
"What the.?"  
  
Stepping forward, Hiei glanced about to see if anyone was watching. Well, why not? The candy invited him, didn't it? Certain that no one was around, he tiptoed and stuck his tongue out- licking like a tiny kitten.  
  
His eyes widened.  
  
'Blueberry!' The demon mentally exclaimed, suddenly drawing out his katana to gung-ho chop the lollipop's white stick. TIMBER!!! All the squirrels and chipmunks evacuated the vicinities before they would be crushed by the solidified form of corn syrup and starch.  
  
The enormous magnet of tooth decay fell over and nearly landed on the park grass if Hiei hadn't been prepared from below. He caught the pop by the flat disk of its form, and slowly sat on the ground with it on his lap. Heaving a little, he began gnawing on the thing like a mutt on a bone.  
  
"Booberry." He drooled, while slurping up the melting sugar. When the blue swirl ended (Hiei happens to be a very fast licker- no hentai implied. well maybe a little) and the green swirl began, he muffled excitedly: ".Abble.!"  
  
He smacked his purple stained lips (having just hit the wonderful red center), and sighed blissfully. That's when it happened. His clothes ripped like a wet paper bag from second grade lunch. Hiei found himself as naked as the day he was born in the middle of the park. The fire demon blushed furiously as he tried to sprint for a suitable bush and far from prying eyes. This didn't happen- or at least his attempt for hiding himself was just a little unsuccessful. Oh, whom are we kidding? Eating the giant lollipop made Hiei as tall as Magic Knight Rayearth's Eagle Vision, which made him lose his center of balance, thereby landing himself in the city lake with a loud splash. So loud and so violent was his splash that the ducks went for the south just a few months before season.  
  
A tall, unspeakably sexy, and sugar-potent Hiei skinny-dipping in Tokyo Park.  
  
You must be utterly insane if you're not liking this fic. either that or perhaps you're a Kurama fan.  
  
The fire demon peeked above the water just barely- his sharp eyes darting around frantically. His situation had kindly attracted the attention of two giant handfuls of humans, plus a dog that had been sniffing another dog's butt. Oh, yeah, the other dog that was being greeted by his friend lifted his head too. Two giant handfuls of humans, plus two congenial dogs. and now an ice cream vender who had presently stopped ringing his bells to stop and ogle the spectacle.  
  
Blowing bubbles into the water as he felt more than willing to drown himself, Hiei disappeared in mortified descent. 'He's drowning!' An onlooker cried from above. 'Someone help!'  
  
Of course, every nation has its good Samaritans; and Japan, in spite of its chronic obsession to blow-up Tokyo tower, had a fairly generous share. Like Persephone abducted by Hades, Hiei was rescued from the deep pool by a strong, handsome man with quite a bit of Athens jock muscle. We mustn't forget, however, that Hiei is quite sensitive when it comes to being treated like a frail weakling. As soon as they reached shore, Bay Watch Style I might add, the fire youkai- still very disrobed and earning the adoration of both women and men- hit his savior in the balls so hard that he'd probably have to pee backwards for the rest of his life. Before anyone could say anything, the demon found his footing (at last) and thrashed from tree to tree in search of.  
  
"Kurama!? Where the hell are you?! KURAMA?!?!"  
  
~*~*~*~  
  
Yusuke, his sidekick, and Kurama sat on a bench across the city lake. Kuwabara and Yusuke waited patiently as the redhead de-pined, de-pinned, de- frogged, and de-rashed himself. They had stopped by a perfume shop earlier to hide that stench of sewage soup lurking Kurama's clothes. The highly fashionable fox demon mourned to himself, realizing that the smell would never go away, and that he'd have to ask Hiei to burn them.  
  
"Pst."  
  
Instantly, Kurama bolted from his seat in cat-like reflex. His paranoid green eyes darted around as if a car might hit him. a car driven by a bouquet of jealous lotus blossoms.  
  
"Pst."  
  
The whisper came again, and they all traced it to a nearby looming tree. Looking up, Hiei's red eyes glimmered, followed by the appearance of his alabaster face.  
  
"Hiei?" His redheaded friend blinked, then narrowed his eyes. Was that a trace of pink dashing over the little youkai's cheeks? "What's wrong?  
  
"I don't have clothes!" He hissed, ignoring the fact that carrot-top was chewing his lip into taffy to prevent himself from guffawing.  
  
"What?! Why?"  
  
"I grew out of them! Now help me! I feel so. so."  
  
That was it. Hiei was vulnerable and there was no way Kuwabara could keep himself from saying anything about it.  
  
"Naked?" The taller finished, finally clutching onto his stomach and letting out a barrage of wild hollers.  
  
Yusuke heard the foliage rustle as Hiei tried to move and kill the young man. Unfortunately for Hiei, if he got down from the tree, well. Best way to put it is that he might be arrested for disturbing the peace, flashing, mooning, that kind of thing.  
  
Deciding to be compassionate, and being un-shy around his presently bristling friend, Kurama pulled out the last of the cactus needles from his slap-worthy butt before ascending the lush tree.  
  
"Hiei? What's." Pause. Silence. "Whoa! HIEI!! *giggle*"  
  
"Urusei! Baka!"  
  
"*giggle* So. *giggle* what. *snicker* happened to you? *blush blush blush*"  
  
"I ate a lollipop, damn it! It made me grow, and my clothes tore off!"  
  
From below, Kuwabara gulped. Hiei was. taller now? Bigger now? Er.  
  
Urameshi patted him on the back, noticing sweat bullet out of his pores.  
  
"Well, I guess you can borrow my jacket. I'm afraid that *giggle* it won't do much to hide the bottom of your bottom."  
  
"KURAMA!!"  
  
The tree shook and released a rain of leaves as the fire youkai began hitting the fox demon on the head. And for all you super-brainwashed yaoi fans out there (that's me!), NO. Nothing hentai was goin' on in that tree. Merely a scuffle, which was awfully difficult to do with such limited space.  
  
"Ow! Ow! Ow! Sorry!"  
  
Hiei leapt from the tree, landing barefooted on the cement ground. He was zipped up to his neck in Kurama's stretch-denim jacket, the single piece of garment emphasizing every line and curve of the youkai's slender form. The demon scowled as he pulled the tip of the material down in a vain effort to hide his upper thighs. Now it was Yusuke's turn to comment.  
  
"*snicker* Your legs are nicer than Keiko's! *snicker*"  
  
Garnet eyes flared like molten lava. "Onore!" Being taller than Yusuke now, he found it relatively easy to bash the delinquent's skull in with the hilt of his sword.  
  
"Owww!!!" Rubbing his head, Yusuke murmured something about the bump being the size of a major league baseball.  
  
Hiei then turned to Kuwabara, and glared. The other inched back, hands raised before them as if they would shield him from the youkai's wrath. Kurama, being as helpful as always, eased his newly growth-spurted friend down with a few kind pats on the shoulder. Hiei calmed, subconsciously hoping his momentary fluster didn't cause the redhead's jacket to hike-up his sensuous. I mean. well-defined body. Yes.  
  
Crossing his arms with a grunt, Hiei didn't miss seeing the herd of kitchenware marching downtown. He also didn't miss catching the flying newspapers laying eggs in nests, the singing dandelions, and the sugarcoated arbors of Main Street. What was really twisted was that the kitchenware were stabbing and mutilating people in their way, the newspapers were eating the real birds for lunch and regurgitating them to their young, the dandelions shattered glass, and the trees were swarming over with ants. Right away, three ants had already grown to the size of a toddler and fell onto their backs from the trees.  
  
"It seems we're going to have to look forward to another mission." Said Kurama solemnly. "Everyone is freaking out, and in more ways than one."  
  
"Right-o, my dear fox! You are absolutely incorrect! My my, I knew some disaster must have not taken no place! Quite fortunate, that it is not, that I have decided to verify this myself!"  
  
Hanging upside down from the tree Hiei was just in, was Madhatter. He tipped the corner of his hat, winked, and flipped. His shiny black shoes clicked as he met the ground, and right after he stood erect, the tree behind him exploded into a caramelized apple stick. Bowing cordially, he walked up to Hiei with an inane grin.  
  
"How Ill-omened you are! I was just back-rounding the block when you flew into that lake! If I had seen you, I would not have been able to protect a few full trees for your inconvenience."  
  
Hiei frowned, confused. "Hn?"  
  
"Oh, how uncouth of me!" He bowed again. "Forbid me to introduce myself, I am Madhatter of Wonderland!"  
  
~*Marginal Notes*~ My mom told me that in the Philippines, when a fork falls onto the floor, a guest will come to the house and will be a man. If it's a spoon, it's a woman. If it's a knife, it's someone who's gay. One day, I dropped a knife. A few days later, Uncle Doi came to my house. Mom and I looked at one another, and giggled. Filipino superstition not only kicks ass, but also is highly accurate. On another sidebar, I'd like to confess that I love my uncle with all my heart. It is from him that I discovered my fervent love for foreign movies, New York plays, and opera among many other things. He is also the man who took care of me when I was a very little girl. Ever since four he has intrigued me with his eloquence and poetic intellect (who do you think introduced me to Alice in Wonderland and Through the Looking Glass?) Not to mention he's highly attractive! Light and clear skin, dark eyes, a delicate nose, long black and wispy hair, a dancer's body. Black also happens to be his favorite dressing color! We both wear black pants, with black turtlenecks, covered with black trench coats on chilly days! We get along great, especially when it comes to books, foreign cuisine, and cold sarcasm. What stands out in my mind the most is that he worked in Thailand, and learned the language in three months. After which, he told me he was capable to buy a pair of antique combs made of oriental fishbone. These combs were dipped in 14k gold. They are absolutely beautiful. He bought them for me and is keeping them until he dies. According to his orders, the combs will then be in my possession, and it will be my turn to pass them down to whomever I fall in love with. There's a double meaning to his instructions for the heirloom. He asked me if I knew what the double meaning is and I said: "You fell in love with me." He simply smiled, and nodded. My uncle never really could say those words to anyone including me. Regardless, he always finds the most generous and passionate ways of saying them. Honorably, as I write all my stories- happy, sad, and in this case stupid-, I always think of him. 


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